It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
