who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
