Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
