I accidentally had phone sex last night
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
ok first of all what the fuck
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
