I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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