I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
