I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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