Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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