Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
