I'm gonna have a badass scar
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
