Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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