I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i can't believe i had my finger in that
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
