i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
