If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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