Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
