if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Your penis caused this!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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