she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
