I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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