you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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