I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
