chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
