My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
