Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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