Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
