He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
