Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My penis needs a shock collar
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
