I met the friendliest cop last night
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
