1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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