Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
