I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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