My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
