apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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