seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
