Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My cat gives me a boner
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
