You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
