I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
