i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
