By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
she smelled like a LAN party
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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