I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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