I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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