I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
