I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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