my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
