I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
