Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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