Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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