I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize