she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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