my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
