hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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