someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
