nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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