my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
